Out of Order

Juvenile Justice: A modest model proposal

By Nick Pro Tunc

World famous criminologist Horatio Holmes ¹ has been studying Wisconsin's new Juvenile Justice Code (Chapter 938). Holmes commends the code's drafters. However, he believes that the code is too complex to be understood by the average underage scofflaw and, hence, not as effective a deterrent as intended. Holmes has authored a model juvenile act, set forth in part below.

Section 101. Definitions.

In this chapter:

1) "Kid" means anybody under the age of 18.

2) "Nice" means cleaning your room, paying attention in school, eating all your vegetables or letting the fat kid play on your team.

3) "Naughty" means disobeying the rules.

4) "Naughty but nice" means, without limitation, helping the slow kid cheat on his or her exam, or eating all of your sibling's vegetables so that the sibling doesn't have to.

Section 102. Jurisdiction.

The court shall have exclusive jurisdiction over all naughty kids who are at least 10 years of age, or old enough to know better, whichever is less. Otherwise, the court shall have concurrent jurisdiction with the Fat Guy in the Red Suit over kids who are naughty but nice.

Section 103. Waiver.

The court may waive a naughty kid into adult court if the kid is:

1) 12 and has violated a state statute, local ordinance or torn the "do not remove" tags from a pillow;

2) 13 and has violated a school rule, provided that if the violation is heinous enough the court may refer the kid to the principal's office in lieu of adult court; and

3) 14 and has violated a parental rule, provided that a minimum of two weeks' "grounding" has proven fruitless.

Section 104. Intake.

1) A naughty kid may be taken into custody and held in secure detention when any of the following occur:

a) the kid denies the violation and blames it on Mikey;

b) the kid is big for his or her age and may beat up on all the nice kids that turned the naughty kid in; and

c) the kid cheats by leaping over a tall fence when pursued by a law enforcement officer who has spent too much time at the donut shop.

2) A naughty but nice kid may be held in constructive detention after school for a minimum of one-half hour in order to make the kid sweat before a scolding is administered.

Section 105. Juvenile Court Procedure.

1) A naughty kid shall enter a plea of "did not" or "did so" at his or her initial appearance.

2) Only a naughty kid shall be entitled to a trial; the trial shall be without a jury, last no longer than one hour (including potty breaks), and the accused shall be entitled to only one lame excuse.

Section 106. Disposition. The court may, in addition to delivering a stern and insufferable lecture, order any or all of the following:

1) Restitution. The kid may be forced to get a job in order to pay for the damage done and, if the damage is more than $500, be further ordered to learn how to spell "restitution" correctly.

2) Loss of car keys. A kid may forfeit the right - present or future - to borrow the car keys and, worse, have to endure the agony of having a parent or guardian drive him or her on a date or other social gathering.

3) Suspension of "hanging out" privileges. The kid may be barred from malls, video arcades, fast food restaurants or any public places considered "neat" or "cool."

4) Dress like a geek. A kid may be compelled to go clothes shopping with his or her parent or guardian and actually have to wear the clothes in public that the parent or guardian selects.

5) Jail/secure correctional facility. This is the last, least effective alternative, since a kid will always prefer "doing time" over the foregoing more humiliating sanctions.

1 Holmes' work has appeared in this column before. See 67 Wis. Law. 72 (July 1994).

Nick Pro Tunc practices with Cut & Dried S.C., where they are never delinquent in their quest to age gracefully while kidding around.

Wisconsin Lawyer