Out of Order

The Corrections Conundrum

By Nick Pro Tunc

With all the brouhaha lately about overhauling Wiscon-sin's criminal code, building more prisons, "truth in sentencing," and the like, Horatio Holmes figured it was time he returned to save the day.¹ He proposes the following "hang 'em high" draft legislation.

Section 101. Classifications of crimes and penalties.

(1) Bad to the bone felons: Twenty years to life imprisonment, except as provided in sub. (6), the codger clause.

(2) Really remorseful or born-again felons: Five to 20 years' imprisonment.

(3) Can't do the time, but can pay the fine felons: One year imprisonment plus a huge chunk of change.

(4) Misdemeanors: Up to nine months in jail, a good chunk of change, or both.

(5) Crime du jour: Any of the above penalties for yet another addition to the criminal code after the Legislature creates it in response to media and public pressure, but before the Legislature finishes debating about how bad to stick it to the alleged offender.

(6) Codger clause: Lifers are eligible for release when the lifer reaches age 80 or when nobody can remember why the lifer is in the joint, whichever occurs first.

(7) Definitions. As used in sub. (3), a "huge chunk of change" shall mean an amount sufficient to ruin the offender and take away all the offender's toys; as used in sub. (4), a "good chunk of change" shall mean an amount sufficient to make the offender whine perpetually.

Section 102. Penalty enhancers or reducers. If an offender does any of the following the penalty for the underlying crime may be increased or decreased accordingly:

(1) Wears a Richard Nixon or Spiro Agnew mask while perpetrating the crime, increased one year.

(2) Proclaims "I am not a crook" anytime before or during sentencing, increased two years.

(3) Blames either Mikey, Elvis, Big Foot or extraterrestrials, increased six months.

(4) Mutters "Curses, foiled again" when apprehended, reduced three weeks with effective mustache twirling. This subsection does not apply to persons (male or female) devoid of mustachios.

Section 103. Sentencing guidelines. The Blue Ribbon Commission on Occasionally Getting Tougher on Crime shall promulgate and periodically tinker with mandatory sentencing guidelines, which shall be set forth in the administrative code. The court shall impose sentence according to the guidelines found in either:

(1) "Schedule A" for use when things are normal or have gotten back to normal.

(2) "Schedule B" for use when the court faces a hotly contested reelection, the most recent crime statistics are released and the news is bad, or some particularly nasty person does something really naughty and the community is up in arms.

Section 104. Probation. The court may, in the proper case, place the offender on probation, provided:

(1) The offender doesn't live or work in my neighborhood.

(2) The offender has to register with the local police, district attorney, national guard, coast guard, FBI, CIA, Interpol and other unspecified - but to be determined - law enforcement agencies. The court may, in exceptional cases, order that the offender check in with and profusely apologize to any local wild-eyed citizens' vigilante groups.

Section 105. Creativity in sentencing. As a condition of probation or in lieu of all or any part of a fine or jail time the court may order any or all of the following:

(1) The public singing or recitation of all the verses in "I Fought the Law and the Law Won." At its option, the court may order the breaking of rocks in the hot sun.

(2) The writing of an autobiographical account (with or without ghostwriters) of the offender's life and crime and, if the autobiography would appeal to a reader with an I.Q. of less than 50, further order the offender to market the book. Profits or proceeds from the book or any other form of notoriety, including talk shows and tabloids, shall be turned over to the offender's victim or victims.

(3) Random checks for possession of drugs, alcohol or spare change. Spare change will be disposed of in the same manner as profits or proceeds in sub. (2).

Endnotes

¹ Holmes' model juvenile code, set forth in 70 Wis. Law. 72 (Feb. 1997), met with a favorable response but has yet to be enacted.

Wisconsin Lawyer