Effectively Managing Criticism
Here are five suggestions that can help restore
civility to law office relationships when responding to harsh,
inappropriate, or ad hominem criticism.
by Ellen Ostrow
"BEING HURT BY ANGER AND criticism is not gender-specific. Secretary
of defense nominee Bobby Ray Inman withdrew his nomination because he
did not want to deal with what he regarded as extreme and unfair
attacks. This sparked a new round of criticism of him for being too
'thin-skinned.' In this connection, columnist Meg Greenfield wrote that
'thin skin is the only kind of skin human beings come with.' " 1
Countless attorneys have described their ongoing concerns about being
harshly criticized by angry partners in their firms. Some attorneys were
dressed down, loudly and harshly, in front of other lawyers in the firm.
When I suggest that they respond by setting limits, they insist that any
statement of protest will be taken as confirmation that they're "not
tough enough" to be successful in the firm. Not surprisingly, many of
these attorneys conclude that the only way to protect themselves from
verbal assault is to change professions.
This belief creates a lose-lose situation for any attorney who
accepts it. If you tolerate verbal abuse, it will undermine your
confidence and distract you from the work to which your gifts, passion,
and training have led you. Tolerating this kind of criticism doesn't
demonstrate your toughness; rather, it signals that you are afraid of
responding, leading your critic to believe that she or he can treat you
like that again.
As we all know, abusive criticism is ineffective. Management
literature abounds with evidence that recognition of success encourages
more success and that feelings of powerlessness and humiliation
interfere with productivity.
The fact is, standing up for yourself in the face of unwarranted or
inappropriately harsh criticism is a sign that you are "tough enough." A
carefully planned approach to this situation can be extremely
effective.
You can learn to handle your "critics" with the same kind of skill
that makes you successful in advocating for your clients. "Emotionally
intelligent" responses to verbal assaults can increase the probability
of your success in your firm, and in legal practice in general.
Responding to Criticism
Here are some suggestions about how to respond to harsh,
inappropriate, or ad hominem criticism:
1. Accept that feeling hurt is not a sign of your
failure. Try to take criticism less personally. That does not
mean it shouldn't hurt. Everyone feels humiliated when treated
disrespectfully. But don't attribute this kind of criticism to your own
failure. Even if you made a mistake, no one deserves to be treated
unjustly.
Often, the attorneys who speak in a demeaning manner may not even be
aware of their style or its impact. If you hear the criticism as
malicious, you'll feel hamstrung. Consider the possibility that what
you're hearing is the uncontrolled voice of an overworked and stressed
partner who has no idea how he comes across.
Above all, don't buy into the idea that being hurt means you're not
"tough enough" or a good-enough lawyer. All it means is that you're
human.
2. Wait for your critic to cool down. Let the person
criticizing you cool down before you respond. Communicate your
willingness to address substantive issues, but use your "social radar"
to gauge the other person's readiness to resolve the conflict. Sometimes
the best you can say is, "I can see you're upset. Let's meet tomorrow to
discuss this."
3. Respond to the complaint. Distinguish between the
"what" and the "how" of the criticism. If the complaint has merit, take
appropriate responsibility. But don't be self-denigrating. Communicate
your genuine regret about any mistakes you made - but keep them in
perspective.
It's also important to communicate your desire to learn and your need
for training and mentoring. Lawyers under pressure can have very
unrealistic expectations of less experienced attorneys. All you can do
is your best - acknowledge your limitations, and seek information and
guidance from mentors. You're less likely to make egregious errors this
way.
4. Respond to how the complaint was expressed. The
"how" refers to the manner in which the criticism is delivered. If the
tone or wording is inappropriate or disrespectful - regardless of its
validity - then you need to address this.
Try to assess your critic's mood and receptiveness. Be sure you're
calm enough to show a willingness to work things out. Plan a response
that is diplomatic and tactful. Try to reduce defensiveness with a
softened "start up" - thank the other person for her willingness to
discuss the issue. It's important to state your concerns in neutral
language and with a nonargumentative tone.
You might say something like, "I know you were really upset about ...
and I can understand that. I'm sure you didn't intend to be hurtful, but
I wonder if you realize how demoralizing it can be to be on the
receiving end of your criticism when you're that upset. I'd really like
us to maintain a good working relationship. Can we talk about other ways
we can handle problems when they come up?"
This kind of response usually meets with some embarrassment and
regret. Move on to something else quickly enough to allow your "critic"
to save face. If you've received some kind of apology, and most likely
you will, then you've created a more respectful and equitable
relationship.
If your "critic" reacts defensively, then it's probably time to talk
to people in the firm with whom you've forged alliances. If they justify
her behavior and criticize your reaction, you may want to consider
working elsewhere. Most likely, other lawyers will want to support you.
But don't expect them to be openly critical of their colleagues. They'll
probably prefer to handle things behind the scenes.
5. Be optimistic and confident. It's easiest to
practice self-advocacy when you're optimistic and self-confident. By
optimism, I mean that you're able to generate possible solutions to a
problem, rather than resigning yourself to helplessness. Colleagues,
mentors, and coaches can help you generate solutions when you're having
difficulty doing so on your own.
Self-confidence comes from a clear recognition of your talents,
gifts, and skills. Make a list of all the assets you bring to your firm
and your profession and update this regularly. If you're a young
associate this might be difficult. A coach can help you accomplish
this.
Your confidence will increase each time you successfully handle
conflict. Avoidance, on the other hand, is not confidence-building.
Doing something difficult and anxiety-producing strengthens your ability
to handle tough situations - with your cases or with your
colleagues.
Endnotes
1 Deborah Tannen, Talking
from 9 to 5 - Women and Men in the Workplace: Language, Sex and
Power, Avon Books, 1994, p. 190.
Wisconsin Lawyer
